If you water a seed of peace in your mind, peace will grow. When the seeds of happiness in you are watered, you will become happy. When the seed of anger in you is watered, you will become angry. The seeds that are watered frequently are those that will grow strong
Tich Nhat Hanh
Love is kind of like having house plants.
We all know that by choosing to have living plants in our space it greatly benefits our mind, physical body + mood, can make us feel uplifted + generally more connected. Same same with love/relationships. Having a plant doesn’t work out that well though if you plonk it on a windowsill, walk away and hope for the best. You have to get your learning on when it comes to your wee little plant. When you know how to better tend to the plant, you can ensure that it grows to be healthy.
How much sunlight or shade is required? Do you need to water it everyday, once a week? Is this plant green foliage or will it flower? Will it outgrow the pot and expand its root system over time? Regular pruning is essential or optional? So many questions + potentially quite a bit of maintenance at times BUUUUT perhaps it’s only a small price to pay for beautiful bits of Nature, some purified air + other goodness in your dwelling.
Love is not a thing, it is a verb. Just like the plants need your love, attention and care so do people in your life. Note that one of the most important relationships of all also will require your maintenance…NOOO this is not with your mum – it’s your relationship to your freakin’ self silly! If you do not know how someone needs to be loved, or if you lack awareness surrounding your own needs when it comes to love, you could be doing yourself and the other a real disservice.
One of my most favourite books that I believe every human on this planet could benefit from reading, is called The 5 love languages by Gary Chapman (take this quiz to find out yours. Trust me, it will save your life). The underlying premise is that there are five ways in which people speak and understand emotional love. We have preferred + innate ways in which we communicate, give, receive and feel love. When another person is communicating and treating us in a way that is in alignment with our love language (mine is a combination of quality time + touch) then our ‘love tank’ gets filled which in turn affirms our value and the feeling of being loved and connected.
Words of Affirmation - One of your deepest needs is the need to feel appreciated. Verbal compliments, words of appreciation, encouragement, kind and humble words are all ways to show love to you.
Quality Time - You enjoy doing things TOGETHER! We aren’t talking about just sitting in front of the T.V. together but really giving each other undivided attention. This means looking at each other, talking to each other, sharing your life with your partner.
Receiving Gifts - You are happy to receive things from your loved ones. They don’t have to be expensive. The gift is a symbol of “s/he cares about me” and “s/he thinks of me”.
Acts of Service - For you, actions speak louder than words! You prefer your partner to do things for you such as cooking a meal, giving a massage, cleaning the room… You like your partner to initiate the acts of service and put efforts into doing them to show that s/he cares.
Physical Touch - You love to receive a hug, a kiss, squeezes on the shoulder, a pat on the back, a touch of the face, and an arm around the waist... Touches can be 10 times as powerful and comforting as any words
Now, before we continue, a slight disclaimer…you are never FULLY responsible for another human beings happiness, nor can you FORCE them to feel loved. You can augment their life and provide the best possible environment for love and growth free from conscious abuse/harm. If you abuse, then you are responsible and it's just not cool. If you think that putting a houseplant in a dark cupboard with no water or soil is OK then you need to seriously reconsider your choices in life and then go back to grade 10 science. The likelihood of goodness coming from that situation is minimal. Be a tall poppy, stand out and embrace the expansion of others, don’t tear them down.
Anyhow….we continue.
Lets say that your love language is words of affirmation.
If you are in a relationship where your partner knows that you require words of affirmation and they consistently share with you the things they adore about you or comment on things you are doing well in your life ex: ‘honey you looks so hot in those jeans’ ‘I really enjoyed that night out you planned and ps. you a minx in the sac’ – you will be feeling right as rain and absolutely smitten.
Alternatively, if your partner makes you dinner every night, washes your car and makes the bed (acts of service) you may appreciate all of those things but it may not resonate with you in your heart or support you in feeling loved. Things get lost in translation as though you are literally speaking a foreign language to one another. All you really want is for them to express kindness through the spoken word.
How the hell does this continue to relate to houseplants?
This example above would be similar to a plant that requires full sunlight but gets put in part shade/part sun because the owner likes the look of it up on the bookshelf or maybe believes that it’s in the best spot based on the last plant they had up there that went bananas with overgrowth. This particular plant could potentially survive up on the shelf but it is unlikely to truly thrive if it is not cared for in the appropriate, unique way that it needs.
Working together and joining forces in love (and green thumbing) takes effort and inquiry. Have you ever stopped to think about whether or not you know how those around you like their serving of love? Do you truly believe you are being loved in ways that fuel you? Are you loving or being loved in ways that help you and them rise and grow? Or do you love them in the only way you know how, because that’s what you did the last time around or that’s the only way you have ever been shown (by parents, family, friends etc.) We are not wrong or bad for loving people in the way we want to be loved or how we have been taught. This is human condition and our default however, not overly sustainable.
It is actually really good to show people what we need yet often the issue is we do this unconsciously. The biggest and boldest growth occurs when we are aware, engaged and tending to the plants (oops, I mean people!) in a manner that creates an environment most suitable for them + us. This may mean that you have to put a bit more effort into being physical if your partner is like me and craves cuddling, or perhaps consider leaving a note in the lunch you make them if they get off on service and affirmation. Heck, buying them a houseplant will rock their world if they dig gifts. We are all different little flowers in our own little eco systems. Certainly there are plants and flowers just like people, that are toxic next to one another no matter what you try to change in the external environment. If you have to bust out a wall to add a window for more light to shed in there may be a bigger problem that demands a bit too much work if you know what I mean! Keep that in mind always but choose to be the person that is actively observing, adapting, modifying + tuning into feedback. It will go a long way and can greatly contribute to many plants + people's ability to bloom and flourish.
Love is not a thing, it is a verb + You reap what you sow. xo